Workouts Not Coming to Apple Fitness+

Calf raises while standing in line at the Apple Store

Chasing a chicken at full speed, in the style of Rocky Balboa, but with an infant strapped to your chest in a BABYBJÖRN

Clapping pushups, done silently, during a Zoom conference call


Lift your infant and leash your dog at the same time, then do squats in a Wendy’s restroom, hunt for toilet paper before arriving in your chosen stall

High-Intensity deltoid workout with pint of beer in each clenched fist, spill nothing

One-legged hop after stepping on a LEGO, isometric pillow hold over mouth, scream until your mouth is dry

Outdoor walk through a spider web, whacking your face and hair in high-intensity intervals to make sure the spider absolutely, positively will not hitchhike with you back home

Pamplona Bull Run but without sneakers, you’re wearing iPads as shoes

Stand up so you aren’t a lazy motherfucker on the sofa all motherfucking day

Vigorously scrub spilled coffee off your partner’s favorite white rug before your partner gets home and you better hurry because that rug is not manufactured anymore and there’s no way you’re hiding this but keep scrubbing because you’re almost there, let’s hit that goal


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